Admission of Guilt

It’s amazing what you contemplate on a cold, wet morning run.  I tend to think about a whole laundry list of often unrelated things, when trying to cover the distance.  The reality is I am often trying to distract myself.  I am attempting to forget that my left foot is cramping or that my right quad has tightened. I am trying to ignore that my watch is only reading 3.6km, when the goal is 14k. Yesterday morning was no exception.  The unusual piece is that I was actually allowing myself to think about running; not my running necessarily, but my leadership of the running group.  The verdict of my contemplation….I screwed up.  I had miserably failed the group last week and quite possibly before.

Guilty as charged.

They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions.  I definitely started the running group with just that.  I wanted to bring people together.  I wanted to inspire teamwork and improve health.  I wanted to help people look forward to Mondays rather than loath them.  And, ultimately, I wanted to help them achieve something to be proud of; the completion of a Spring half marathon.

It all started very well.  We started slow and easy, with lots of walk breaks and lots of talk and laughter.  I would receive notes after runs suggesting how great people felt and how glad they were to be participating.  We made it through the cold winter, with very few missed runs.  Official training for the half started on February 2^nd.  I shared my tried, tested and true program and people, while nervous, were still excited.

And then it happened…

I am not sure why and I am not sure how.  Somehow, I forgot my place.  Maybe, it was the muscle memory of training the program so many times before.  Maybe, it was me being selfish.  While I thought my intentions were still good, my actions may have told another story.

While other people may be guilty of not pushing hard enough, I tend to push too hard.  Please don’t think I am bragging.  My overdrive has led to more than one injury and numerous lectures from loved ones about “being more responsible” while training and not being soo “fanatical”.  Pushing hard is part of my DNA.  It’s kinda like my crack.  It’s addictive and always requires a little bit more and then a little bit more, to achieve the “high”.  Sometimes I forget.  Sometimes, I impose my addiction on others.

Last week, the group gathered on Monday for a long slow 10km run.  Rather than taking my spot in the middle of the pack (and yes, I should be at the back and will be on a go forward), I ended up at the front.  I had run a long run a few days before, so my legs were tired and I didn’t feel like I needed to worry too much about pacing.  I assumed slow would be my only option. Part way through the run, one of our members suggested we were going a tad fast.  I immediately slowed my pace.  Then it happened again and again.  At 7km, we ended up waiting to cross a busy intersection and my husband gave me “a look”.   I’d seen the look before and you would think it would have registered, but it didn’t.  Nope.  My addiction to pushing hard was definitely winning out and my ability to “take note” was greatly compromised.  We finished the run, with everyone in one piece.  I congratulated them all.  Everyone was pretty quiet.  When I checked our pacing, later on that night, I discovered we ran a pace 15 to 20 seconds faster than we should have for long slow distance.   Rather than recognizing the error of my ways I was proud of the group and sent them a note congratulating them for pushing their limits and demonstrating what was possible.  Even then, I remained blind to how I had screwed up.

A few days after the run, I was chatting with a member who hadn’t made it out.  When the topic of the run came up, he said “Oh yeah, I heard it was brutal”.   My immediate response was to suggest it hadn’t been and that so and so just had a bad run.  Really???  For someone who preaches accountability, I was certainly having a hard time owning my mistake.  It was only on my lonely, cold run yesterday that I came to terms with what an ass I had been.  So here it is, my admission of guilt, my confession.

Somewhere over the last few weeks, I forgot the running group wasn’t about me or my running.  I forgot that as the leader of the group it is my responsibility to ensure all members feel good about their run.  In a group of diverse ability, it is my job to own that diversity and ensure everyone enjoys what they are doing.  I don’t belong in the middle of the pack and I certainly don’t belong in the front.  My place is at the back; supporting, encouraging.  Don’t get me wrong.  There will still be some firm pushing involved.  Running isn’t supposed to be easy, all the time, and training for a distance you haven’t run before is challenging.  The difference is, I am firmly committed to working within the abilities of the group and not my own. 

So there you have it; both a confession and a commitment.  I am committed to doing it better and differently.  I understand the error of my previous ways.  And…I hope the group will give me a chance to do what I always intended to do…get them across the finish line on May 24^th.