Admission of Guilt

It’s amazing what you contemplate on a cold, wet morning run.  I tend to think about a whole laundry list of often unrelated things, when trying to cover the distance.  The reality is I am often trying to distract myself.  I am attempting to forget that my left foot is cramping or that my right quad has tightened. I am trying to ignore that my watch is only reading 3.6km, when the goal is 14k. Yesterday morning was no exception.  The unusual piece is that I was actually allowing myself to think about running; not my running necessarily, but my leadership of the running group.  The verdict of my contemplation….I screwed up.  I had miserably failed the group last week and quite possibly before.

Guilty as charged.

They say the road to hell is paved with good intentions.  I definitely started the running group with just that.  I wanted to bring people together.  I wanted to inspire teamwork and improve health.  I wanted to help people look forward to Mondays rather than loath them.  And, ultimately, I wanted to help them achieve something to be proud of; the completion of a Spring half marathon.

It all started very well.  We started slow and easy, with lots of walk breaks and lots of talk and laughter.  I would receive notes after runs suggesting how great people felt and how glad they were to be participating.  We made it through the cold winter, with very few missed runs.  Official training for the half started on February 2^nd.  I shared my tried, tested and true program and people, while nervous, were still excited.

And then it happened…

I am not sure why and I am not sure how.  Somehow, I forgot my place.  Maybe, it was the muscle memory of training the program so many times before.  Maybe, it was me being selfish.  While I thought my intentions were still good, my actions may have told another story.

While other people may be guilty of not pushing hard enough, I tend to push too hard.  Please don’t think I am bragging.  My overdrive has led to more than one injury and numerous lectures from loved ones about “being more responsible” while training and not being soo “fanatical”.  Pushing hard is part of my DNA.  It’s kinda like my crack.  It’s addictive and always requires a little bit more and then a little bit more, to achieve the “high”.  Sometimes I forget.  Sometimes, I impose my addiction on others.

Last week, the group gathered on Monday for a long slow 10km run.  Rather than taking my spot in the middle of the pack (and yes, I should be at the back and will be on a go forward), I ended up at the front.  I had run a long run a few days before, so my legs were tired and I didn’t feel like I needed to worry too much about pacing.  I assumed slow would be my only option. Part way through the run, one of our members suggested we were going a tad fast.  I immediately slowed my pace.  Then it happened again and again.  At 7km, we ended up waiting to cross a busy intersection and my husband gave me “a look”.   I’d seen the look before and you would think it would have registered, but it didn’t.  Nope.  My addiction to pushing hard was definitely winning out and my ability to “take note” was greatly compromised.  We finished the run, with everyone in one piece.  I congratulated them all.  Everyone was pretty quiet.  When I checked our pacing, later on that night, I discovered we ran a pace 15 to 20 seconds faster than we should have for long slow distance.   Rather than recognizing the error of my ways I was proud of the group and sent them a note congratulating them for pushing their limits and demonstrating what was possible.  Even then, I remained blind to how I had screwed up.

A few days after the run, I was chatting with a member who hadn’t made it out.  When the topic of the run came up, he said “Oh yeah, I heard it was brutal”.   My immediate response was to suggest it hadn’t been and that so and so just had a bad run.  Really???  For someone who preaches accountability, I was certainly having a hard time owning my mistake.  It was only on my lonely, cold run yesterday that I came to terms with what an ass I had been.  So here it is, my admission of guilt, my confession.

Somewhere over the last few weeks, I forgot the running group wasn’t about me or my running.  I forgot that as the leader of the group it is my responsibility to ensure all members feel good about their run.  In a group of diverse ability, it is my job to own that diversity and ensure everyone enjoys what they are doing.  I don’t belong in the middle of the pack and I certainly don’t belong in the front.  My place is at the back; supporting, encouraging.  Don’t get me wrong.  There will still be some firm pushing involved.  Running isn’t supposed to be easy, all the time, and training for a distance you haven’t run before is challenging.  The difference is, I am firmly committed to working within the abilities of the group and not my own. 

So there you have it; both a confession and a commitment.  I am committed to doing it better and differently.  I understand the error of my previous ways.  And…I hope the group will give me a chance to do what I always intended to do…get them across the finish line on May 24^th.

"I swear I lived"

“Hope that you spend your days,
But they all add up
And when that sun goes down, hope you raise your cup
Oh, I wish that I could witness all your joy and all your pain
But until my moment comes I'll say

I, I did it all
I, I did it all
I owned every second that this world could give
I saw so many places the things that I did
With of every broken bone, I swear I lived”

I Lived-One Republic

 

I have been accused of being many things, in my 43 years.  Some have been true compliments, while others haven’t been quite so flattering.  You take the good with bad.  Out of them all, I am most proud of the optimism accusation.  It is a very rare occasion when my glass isn’t at least partly full and I am always pleased when people recognize that in me.    

 

While some may say, optimism is something you are pre-disposed to or born with, I firmly disagree.  I believe optimism is 100% choice.  I know it is a choice I continually and deliberately make.  Is the choice always easy?? Hell no.  I simply refuse to give in to the alternative.  Life is too short not to find the good in it.   No matter how bad a situation is, no matter how difficult or painful periods in my life have been, I have always been aware that there is someone worse off than myself.  How dare I give up or feel sorry for myself, when those individuals worse off then I, are appreciating their life, laughing, smiling and in many cases doing good in the world.  Relatively speaking, my life is exceptional and it would be horrific for me not to recognize and appreciate that every single day.

 

Now, there is a shortfall to my view on optimism.   Because I truly believe it is a choice, I have a very difficult time accepting when others do not make it theirs.  My tolerance for people not recognizing the beauty of their lives and situations is very slim.  I have little to no patience with people who choose to feel sorry for themselves.  I have a hard time accepting when people give in or up.   I know there are many people in this world going through difficulties.  Sickness, chronic pain, economic hardship, emotional stress is very real and very difficult to endure and overcome.  Those suffering deserve our support and our strength.  I am always more than willing to lend a hand and a sympathetic ear as long as the individual promises not to give up.  My deliberate choice, means I expect others to make the same choice.

 

At the top of this entry, I have borrowed a few lines from one of my favorite One Republic songs.  Given the thoughts shared, I am sure it is obvious why this is a favorite.  The message is powerful and the song acts as a constant reminder to me.  At the end of the day, I want to feel like I have made the most of it.  And, I want nothing less for those around me.

"Settling In"

When participating in an endurance spin class, the instructor will often tell the group to “settle in”. 

Much easier said than done. 

The reality is, what the instructor is asking is for the cyclists to focus, prepare themselves and drive towards a finish line that is not within sight.  When you can’t see the end, the task can be incredibly daunting.  Add a challenging effort and pace and an endurance ride can be darn right uncomfortable and yet the instructor tells you over and over again to “settle in”.  

Why? 

Well, what’s the alternative?  I guess you could quit, jump off your bike, leave the class and go about your day.  I don’t think this is a very viable option for most and it certainly would never be one I would consider.  Anyone who knows me well, will tell you “settling” really isn’t my strong suit.  In fact, I am pretty sure I have been heard announcing “I don’t settle” on more than one occasion.  Nevertheless, during an endurance spin class, I bear down, do what I am told and “settle in”.

What I have decided is this type of settling really isn’t settling at all.  Maybe spin instructions should tell you to “prepare to survive”, rather than “settle in”.  Our perhaps “grin and bear it” would be a more appropriate mantra.  Let’s face it, what the spin instructor is really saying is…”this is going to hurt.  It’s going to hurt for a while and you simply have to work your way through it.  You need to become one with the discomfort.  You have to accept the pain.  You want the benefit of this class?   You want to get better? Be fitter?  Be healthier?  Then suck it up and settle the heck in.”

The simplicity of life often amazes me.  Whether it is through an endurance spin class, a long distance run, a tumultuous economy or a bumpy professional patch, what is required of you is the same.  You need to “settle in”.  You need to be okay working through the discomfort and recognizing that while the finish line may not be insight, you need to power through.  It is in that uncomfortable fringe, right outside your comfort zone, that all the good stuff is predicted to happen.  You get smarter, stronger, etc.  I think the greater challenge is not being able to endure, but rather finding satisfaction in the discomfort. 

Long distance runners often talk about the sweet spot or the zone.  After gut wrenching hours on the road, some have claimed to find a pleasant, euphoric like section in the race.  I am sure there are all kinds of scientific explanation for this which doesn’t have to be addressed at this time.  What does need to be acknowledged is that it happens.  Even at your most uncomfortable, the possibility of joy is real.

Shouldn’t that be our ultimate goal?

No matter how difficult the situation, no matter how uncomfortable a circumstance makes us, shouldn’t the goal be to “settle in” and somehow, some way, find the joy in the situation??

 

Sounds like a pretty good goal to me. J

A Commitment to Success and Happiness...not necessarily in that order.

Being confident and optimistic and full of energy and enthusiasm is easy when things are good.  You make great choices.  You take the time to plan your next move.  You thrive on the small victories and confidently work your way beyond your goals.  While you are working hard, the hard work doesn’t feel so hard because your efforts are being so amply rewarded with success.  Each victory fuels the next.  You take the time to be healthy.  You take the time to give to your community.  You are more creative.  You are more thoughtful.  You ensure you are meeting all your obligations, both professionally and personally.  When you are on your game, very few things get missed.  Friends are called.  Family is taken care of.  Miles area logged.  Blogs are written.  Life is good.

 And then…

Sometimes things just don’t go the way you want. 

Unfortunately, sometimes things don’t go the way you want, for an extended period of time.

It is during these drawn out periods, when  the success you crave and have come to expect continually alludes you, that uncertainty sets in.   Everything you have always believed in, is put into question.  The strengths you were always so proud of, seem to dim.  The confidence with which you have always approached every situation becomes frail and almost transparent.  You question everything and find very few answers.

The test…Try being the person you are when you are hitting your targets and achieving your goals, when you are not.  It’s not easy. Trust me. 

I’ve always been aware of my extremely high need for happiness.  Like most people, I am at my best when I am enjoying what I am doing.  I am a goal junkie.  Put those two things together and you have a person who experiences happiness and enjoys what they are doing when they are achieving their goals.  In 2014 and the first part of this year,  a big hairy audacious challenge has been put before me.  Despite best efforts and more hours then I care to admit to working, goals have not been met.  Initially,  while my ego was bruised, I saw the missed mark as a chance to practice what I preach and approach things differently.  I got creative, I dug deep and I went at my goals again.  Again, a miss.  I’m not a quitter.   As the goals continued to allude me, I dug deeper and deeper and deeper.    The hours got longer; the tasks more daunting, but I did not give up.  As 2014 came to a close, I was working more and more hours, sleeping less and less and still not hitting the targets.  2015 started the same way.  I knew I wasn’t being the person I wanted to be.  I was sacrificing important stuff.  I was missing important stuff.   I wasn’t being the person I enjoy being and I certainly wasn’t feeling very darn proud.    It’s not easy being the person you are when you are experiencing success, when you are not and yet, it is so vitally important.  In fact, it is more important to be that person when times are hard and recently, I have accepted that . 

My kick in the butt occurred when I realized my family was kinda tip-toeing around me.  At first, I thought to myself  “what the heck is their problem??”.  And then I realized, the problem was mine. 

My husband is an incredible coach and my biggest fan.

I see myself in my daughter constantly and if that isn’t motivation, I am not sure what is.

With their help and unwavering support, I am on a mission to be happy, be confident, be determined and fight for the success I crave with everything I’ve got.  The fight will be fought strategically and not at the expense of everything else that is important, in my life.  In fact, I’ve come to realize that it’s those other personal things that will fuel my professional victory.  Being healthy, spending time with family, achieving personal goals is my way to professional success. 

Shamefully, somehow I had forgotten that.   

I remember now and  I am committed.  J

Here is to a successful professional mission fueled by multiple personal happiness projects.

 

Until next time….

 

tbg